Oh Me, Oh Mãe (2020-21)

I began Oh Me, Oh Mãe after giving birth to my daughter, B, in June 2020 during the UK's first Covid-19 lockdown. Mãe is Portuguese for mother (B is British-Portuguese).

As I had made a project about my pregnancy, I wanted to document early motherhood whilst being as honest as possible about my experiences. The images are accompanied by diaristic text (either in the form of hashtags or 'normal text').

However, early motherhood was not what I thought it would be; I’d mainly describe it as lonely with online baby classes and feeling stuck at home struggling with breastfeeding and obsessed with routines. I’ve always found my art work therapeutic, but it became a real anchor for me during Covid and a place for me to vent, explore and document this new chapter of my life.

The series inadvertently became a diary of becoming a mother during the pandemic; though in the end I was never as honest as I wanted because I did not adjust to motherhood well, and the thoughts and feelings I often experienced made me feel like a terrible mother.

I decided before having kids that I wasn’t going to show their faces within my work until they are old enough to make an informed decision. This is why I choose to hide their faces.

A few of the sub-series within the project are family portraits (where B's face is usually hidden by using Photoshop), 'Portrait Of A Mother Of A ___ Month Old', and 'Imitating B ___' (my favourite theme within the series which grew out of wanting to not show her face).

The series came to a natural end when I discovered I was pregnant again in May 2021, and started work on a new project (Waiting For Things In A Time When You Wait For Things) about being pregnant while being a mother to B. However, I am continuing the sub-series in the new project, as I now see all my work about pregnancy and motherhood as chapters.

(Below are a selection of images)

I posted all the images & text to my Instagram account.

What I Wore For My Four Night Hospital Stay After Giving Birth (19th June 2020)

#WeHadPackedTheBagJustInCaseACoupleOfWeeksPreviouslyEvenThoughWeWerePlanningForAHomeBirth

#IThoughtAtLeastEverythingIMightNeedEvenForHomeWouldBeInTheSamePlace

#IKeptSayingWeShouldRevisitThemButWeNeverGotRoundToItEspeciallyAsSomeThingsWeNeededForEverydayUse

#SoWhenICalledTheHospitalToSayMyWatersHadBrokeTheySaidToBringBagsInJustInCase

#WeSpentHalfAnHourRushingRoundButIDidNotTakeItTooSeriously

#INearlyDidNotPackThisDressAsItWasWhatIWasWearingInBedWhenMyWatersBroke

#ItWasALittleWetAndItDidNotSmellSoIPutItInMyBagThinkingIWouldBeComingHomeSoonForMyHomeBirth

#WellObviouslyIDidNotComeHomeAndWasInHospitalFor4Nights

#AndILivedInThisDress

#ICouldHaveAskedTiagoToBringMoreThingsButByTheTimeIThoughtAboutItIKnewMyStayWasComingToAnEnd

#OriginallyIWasInHospitalDueToProblemsWithBreastfeedingAndThenBabyBGotJaundice

#TheDressShowsColostrumStainsAndThenMilkStainsAfterMyMilkCameInOnDay3

#ItWouldHaveBeenEvenMessierThanThisButOftenISatWithMyDressOffToDoSkinToSkin

#SoManyWomenTouchedMyBoobsDuringMyStayToHelpMeTryToFeedSoIDidNotCareAnymore

#PlusAround6PeopleWereAtTheBirthPlusTiago

#ItWasWeirdToSuddenlyBeAroundSoManyPeopleAfterHavingNotSeenMyFamilyFor3MonthsDueToCovid

#MyCurtainWasNeverFullyClosedAsThereWasALightSwitchJustBehindItThatTheHospitalStaffUsed

#SoPotentiallyPeopleCouldSeeInButIReallyDidNotCare

#AfterAFewDaysIThoughtIBetterWearSomethingElseButItWasTooHot

#TheOtherWomenOnTheWardProbablyJudgedMeForWearingAStainCoveredDress

#ButSoManyCameAndWentBeforeMe

#IDidNotWearMyWatchBecauseOfBreastfeeding

#ISometimesWoreANursingBraButInTheBeginningIDidNotAndThenIUsedBreastPadsOnceMyMilkCameIn

#IHadMyEyeMaskOnMyHeadAllTheTimeAndEvenAfterIGotHome

#TheJokeWasIWasNotSleepingThoughAndIStillAmNotReally

#IBoughtItAsItWasOnARecommendedHospitalListButIAlsoThoughtItWouldBeGoodForHomeAsIFindItHardToSleep

#ItWasProbablyTheMostUsefulThingInMyHospitalBagInTheEndAndIAmUsingItAtHome

#AndThenIWasGladThatIWoreMySandalsAndNotTrainers

#SoEasyToJustSlipOnAndOffAndMoveAbout

#IHaveJustLivedInSandalsForAllOfLockdown

Breastfeeding, Bottle Feeding, Whatever Feeding (26th June 2020)

My Baby Is A Brick Wall (14th July 2020)

#IHaveBeenABitEmotionalThisMorning

#IFeelABitDetachedFromBAtTimes

#WhilstTiagoSaysHeCanNotBelieveHowMuchHeIsInLoveWithHer

#IAmHappyHeFeelsThisWayAboutHer

#IHaveNeverBeenAMassiveFanOfNewbornsAsIFeelLikeTheyDoNotDoMuch

#ThoughIHaveAlwaysSaidItMustBeDifferentWhenItIsYourOwnChildAsYouSeeTheSmallChanges

#IThinkWhatIFindMostDifficultIsThatIFeelLikeIAmNotGettingMuchBackFromHerEmotionally

#SheIsStartingToSmileThoughIThinkItIsMostlyOnAccident

#WhenSheSmilesPurposefullyIThinkIWillFeelDifferentAsAtTheMomentItFeelsLikeSheIsABrickWall

#ILoveToMakePeopleLaughAndThereIsNoBetterSoundInTheWorldThanABabyLaughing

#IFindMyselfPullingTheSameFacesAndDoingThingsThatMakeMyNieceLaughAndIGetNothingOrAFrownBackFromB

#IJustHadAnOnlineSearchAndGigglingIsFromMonth3Or4AndSheIsJust1Month

#ThePurposefulSmilesStartBetween6And12Weeks

#IGuessWeKnowWhenSheIsContentWhichIsWhenSheIsNotCrying

#ButINeedMoreOfAnIndicationThatIAmDoingAGoodJob

#ISupposeIJustHaveToWaitAndMaybeLaterIWillFeelBetter

#IAlsoFeelGuiltyThatWeHaveStartedToGiveHerADummy

#ThoughIOnlyFeelGuiltyAsIWorryWhatPeopleThink

#IKnowItIsTheBestThingForMyFamily

#PeopleCanBeSoJudgementalAboutAllThingsParentingAndLifeInGeneral

#IfWeWantAdviceWeWillAskForIt

#WeStartedToGiveHerADummyAsSheWasAlwaysJustRestingWithTheBottleTeatOrANippleInHerMouthAndNotDrinking

#INeverHadADummyAsABabyButISuckedMyThumbAndTwiddledMyHairALotInstead

#IAlsoToldTiagoThatINeedABitMoreAttention

#AGoodHugBeforeSleepOrWhateverAsItMakesABigDifferenceToMe

#IGuessIDoGetABitJealousSeeingBGetAllHisAttention

#ThatSeemsHardToAdmitButMostlyBecauseIKnowOneDayIWillShareAllOfThis

#TheLastFewDaysIHaveStartedToReadToBMoreToMakeSureIHaveSomeGoodQualityTimeWithHer

#ItFeelsLikeSettingUpABlogWasNotTheSmartestThingToDoRightNowButIGuessItIsBecauseIPutTooMuchPressureOnMyselfAndItShouldBeMoreCasual

#IThinkIFeelRubbishBecauseThisIsMyFirstShootInNearlyAWeekAndIFeelMyWorstWhenIAmNotMakingWork

I Am Worried That Someone Will Say I Am Holding Her Wrong (11th August 2020)

They Say That It Takes A Village To Raise A Child, But We’re Cut Off From The Village (7th October 2020)

#TiagoSaysThatWeDoNotHaveAVillage

#IPointedOutThatWeDoButItIsJustNotALocalVillageAsNoOneFromOurFamilyLivesCloseToUs

#BsSleepHasGottenWorse

#SheWasWakingUpAtNightBeforeButSheDidNotNeedToBeFedAndCouldBeSettled

#NowSheWakesUpWithAHarshCryAndWillOnlySettleIfIFeedHer

#IThinkSheFeedsMoreForComfortThanBecauseSheIsHungryThough

#SheHadInjectionsAndThatNightSheSleptStraightThrough

#WhichWasOddAsSheDoesUsuallyWakeUp

#IHaveHadToFeedHerTwiceTheLastCoupleOfNights

#WeWereGettingAnnoyedLastNight

#IPutHerOnOurBedToGetReadyToFeedHer

#ThenSheStartedToSmileAndBeAllCuteSoWeInstantlyFeltBad

#IWasReadingThatYouShouldNotWatchTvAndBeOnYourPhoneWhilstYouFeed

#IHaveBeenFeelingDownAgainSinceTiagoWentBackToWork

#AndTheFilmsHaveBeenHighlightsDuringLongFeeds

#AsIUsuallyFeedHerFor40Minutes

#ThereIsOnlySoMuchThatICanTalkToHerWhilstSheHasHerMouthFull

#YesIDoFeelGuilty

#MyLifeIsPrettyMuchTheSameEveryday

#IThinkThisPandemicIsMakingMoreSociallyAwkwardThanIAlreadyWas

#TheIdeaOfGroupChatsJustMakesMeFeelAnxious

#ICanNotImagineBeingInARoomFullOfPeopleAtAnEventAnymore

#ItIsSoWeird

#WeTookBSwimmingTheOtherDay

#SheSeemedToLikeItThoughWeWereOnlyInTheWaterFor20Minutes

#ItWasNiceToDoSomethingDifferentAsAFamily

#TheWeatherHasTurnedAndTheOtherDayIDidNotGoOutForAWalkThenYesterdayIGotRainedOn

#INeedToJustFocusOnTakingLifeOneDayAtATime

#AndTryToFindMorePositivityInThisWeirdTimeAsOtherwiseItIsGoingToBeAVeryLongWinter

#IReallyEnjoyedThisShootWithBSoMaybeINeedToCollaborateWithHerMore

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Toes (24th November 2020)

Imitating B’s One Red Cheek (19th December 2020)

I Have Started To Balance Things On My Head For B’s Amusement (30th December 2020)

Imitating B Trying To Eat Her Pan/Drum During Online Baby Classes (10th February 2021)

Imitating B With Her Hands And Feet On The Floor (6th March 2021)

#BIsDefinitelyMovingAroundQuickerEachDay

#YesterdaySheGotStuckByTheCushionsByTheTVAsSheOnlyLikesRollingOneWaySoSheKeptRollingIntoThemRatherThanAwayFromThem

#ThisPhotoIsMeImitatingHerWithHerHandsAndFeetOnTheFloorWhichSheHasStartedToDoInTheLastWeekOrSo

#ICanNotImagineHerWalkingAroundButIGuessThoseDaysAreGettingCloserAndCloser

#SometimesAtNightNowIHearHerCryingSoITurnOnTheMonitorAndSheIsJustSatUpInHerCot

#IHadACallWithMySupportBefrienderPersonTheOtherDay

#SheSaidSheThatCouldTellThatIWasDown

#ISaidIDoNotKnowWhyIBotherMakingProjectsAndThingsWithTheFreeTimeIHaveWhenICouldBeRelaxingInstead

#SheSaidItIsBecauseYouLoveIt

#ILikeThisProjectFromTimeToTimeButItIsMoreThatIFeelIHaveToMakeIt

#WhenIDoAGoodShootIFeelGreatButWhenIDoNotIFeelPrettyDown

#SoHerCommentGaveMeAKickToActuallyStartShootingForAProjectThatIHaveBeenThinkingAboutForAFewWeeks

#IDoNotKnowIfItWillEverSeeTheLightOfDayButIDefinitelyFeelBetterForHavingStartedIt

#ThisMorningTiagoGotBUpAt7AndHeWillLookAfterHerUntilHerNapAtAround10

#IDidMyDanceVideosFirstThingToGetThemDoneAsIFeelLikeTheyHangOverMeAtTheWeekend

#TodayIReallyEnjoyedItButSomeWeeksItIsJustAnotherThingThatIFeelIHaveToDo

#INeedToStopFeelingGuiltyForHavingSomeTimeToMyself

#IWorkPrettyQuicklyNowWithTheFreeTimeIHaveAndTiagoIsBsDadSoOfCourseHeShouldBeSpendingTimeWithHer

#IThinkIFeelBadAsTiagoIsWorkingAllWeekAndMakingMoneyWhereasIDoNotMakeMuch

#IAmDoingSomeNonArtPaidWorkAtTheMomentWhichIJustDoInFifteenMinutesToTwoHoursIshSessions

#IDoLookForOtherWorkWhereBWouldHaveToGoToNurseryButThereDoesNotSeemToBeMuchOutThere

#ItWouldAlsoNeedToBeSomethingWhichLeavesMeWithEnoughAfterPayingNurseryFeesToSeemWorthIt

#MostOfTheMumsIKnowWithBabiesOfASimilarAgeAreEitherBackAtWorkOrGoingBackSoon

#ItIsAnnoyingInTheSenseThatSoonWeWillBeAbleToHangOutWithOtherBabiesButTheyAllMightBeInNurseries

#IGuessThereWillBeSomeAroundThoughWhoseParentsWorkPartTimeOrWhoAreInASimilarPosition

#IHaveSpokenToACoupleOfMumsThisWeekAtThePlaygroundWeGoTo

#IRealiseNowThatEveryoneElseProbablyWantsToChatButTheyAreJustAsAwkwardAsMe

#MyCurrentMumPickupLineIsHowOldIsYourLittleOne

#WeSayWeWillSeeEachOtherAroundButWeHaveLivedHereForFourMonthsAndIDoNotThinkIHaveSeenThemBefore

#WorkingOnANewProjectAndTalkingToPeopleMakesMeFeelHappierSoINeedToKeepOnDoingWhatIAmDoing

First Family Portrait Session (28th June 2020)

Seventh Family Portrait (28th March 2021)

Previous Project: Waiting For Things... (2019-20)

Next Project: Tin Roof, Shiny (2020-21)

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