Jocelyn Allen - Ulterior Monologue (2019)

It Seems Like Everyone Is Pregnant Except Me

#IFeelAwkwardPostingThisWithTheTitleIGaveItTwoWeeksAgo

#ItWasABitOfAJokeButNowIdProbablyNameItSomethingElse

#WasItReallyEvenAJokeOrAreYouJustDeflecting

#OkayIFeltItButIveLostInterestNow

#IDontUnderstandHowPeopleHaveTimeToBePregnant

#AndItFeelsLikePostingSomethingLikeThisIsJustSayingImAHiringRisk

#AtLeastThatsOneThingThatMostGuysDontHaveToWorryAbout

#BeingPregnantDoesntSoundLikeMuchFun

#AreYouTryingToMakeYourselfFeelBetter

#WellEveryoneHasDifferentExperiencesSoYouDontKnowWhatYoureGonnaGet

#PeriodsAreRubbish

#ThatsTrueIThinkTheyreGettingWorseAsIGetOlderToo

#MyDreamsAreUsuallyReallyVividAndWeirdThough

#AndThenImNotLookingForwardToTheMenopauseEither

#AllTheOptionsAreLameThoughOneMayGiveYouABaby

#ProsAndCons

#WhoHasTimeForABabyThough

#IFeelLikeIDont

#IGuessYouMakeItWork

#SometimesIWishWeLivedInTimesThatWereSimplerAndWeJustLookedAtTheStarsMore

#TheresSoMuchLightPollutionICantSeeThemAnyways

#IGuessSomePeopleMakeTheirLivesSimple

#TurningOffTheCommentsAsIDontWantCommentsOnThis

#TryingToFindTheWordsToExplainWhy

#IThinkIJustKnowWhatKindOfCommentsIdGet

#LetsChatInPersonNextTimeInstead

#IOriginallyTookThisToBeAFunImageAndNowIFeelItsReallySerious

No, I Am Not Swearing

#TSaidHeDidNotLikeThisPictureAsItLooksLikeIAmSwearing

#ButISaidItIsQuiteObviouslyMyIndexFinger

#NotMyMiddleFinger

#ButIGuessThatIsWhyIShouldNotShowHimSmallImagesOnALittleScreen

#IThinkIAmJustHoldingTheFabricBack

#ButIDoLikeDoingPosesWithMyHandsSoItMightHaveBeenMoreIntentional

#ShameAboutAllTheLooseThreadsHangingOutAndAbout

#ButIGuessMyPhotographyIsQuiteMessy

#LikeIShouldHaveLearnedByNowToKeepCheckingMyClothesForStrayHairs

#AsThereHaveBeenAFewPicturesLatelyThatHaveBeenSomewhatRuinedByLongHairsOnMyClothes

#ButIDoNotWantToEditThemOut

#AsIFeelLikeThatIsCheating

#ILikeHowThisFabricPhotographs

#ButItAlsoIsNotThatGreatDueToTheBottomOfIt

#AndIGuessMakingItSoThatBothSidesShowWillShowOffTheLessAttractivePartsOfIt

#AndItIsAnotherPictureOfMeStandingOnOneLeg

#ToAddToAGrowingCollection

Ulterior Monologue is a self-portraiture project which began in early 2019 when my husband and I decided that it was time to start trying to have a family.

I found it hard to think about little else other than wanting to be pregnant and I could not focus on other self-portraiture project ideas that I had. So, I started to take pictures of myself in my living room with no set project idea in mind to pass time between then and hopefully becoming pregnant.

In 2019 I started to write hashtag ‘essays’ to go with my photos or videos on Instagram, which consist of up to 30 hashtags (as that is the maximum allowed per post). They usually talk about thoughts to do with the post and how I am feeling. However, with these photos I felt unable to talk about them in my usually honest and confessional way, due to worrying that people would not approach me for possible jobs and upsetting people who had been trying to conceive for longer.

The name Ulterior Monologue comes from writing about anything other than wanting to get pregnant.

One image It Seems Like Everyone Is Pregnant Except Me touches on it, but also plays it down as much as possible due to the awkwardness I felt talking about it. One hashtag touches on a main concern - #AndItFeelsLikePostingSomethingLikeThisIsJustSayingImAHiringRisk

The project came to a natural end when I started a series about pregnancy called Waiting For Things In A Time When You Rarely Wait For Things.

(This is a selection of images from the project)

I Went To An Exhibition To Try To Make Friends, I Talked To No One, Then Came Home & Took This Picture

#HeIsNotReallySleeping

#ThoughHeDoesFallAsleepEasily
#IAmSureISaidThisRecently
#NotJealousAtAll
#IWasTalkingToSomeoneRecentlyAboutHowItsHardToMakeNewFriendsInANewPlaceInYourThirties
#SheWasOlderThanMeAndLookedABitOffended
#ButMovingToANewPlaceAndMakingNewFriendsIsDifficult
#MaybeIAmNotTryingHardEnough
#DoIMainlyStayAtHomeMakingMyWorkAndWatchingSurvivor
#ErmYes
#DoIEnjoyIt
#HellYeah
#IDidGoToAMeetupGroupAFewTimes
#AndTiagoGoesToFootball
#ButHeMainlyBreaksHisRibs
#AndIChatTooMuchRubbish
#SendFriendSuggestions
#SendSocialSkills
#SendPersonalityTransplants
#ForMeNotTiago
#HeIsAGoodOne

My Legs Hurt Two Days Later And It Took Me A While To Realise Why

#ThisSeemsToBeAReoccuringThemeInMyLife
#MyDoingAShootAndThenFeelingABitAchey
#IHaveStartedToDoStretchesEveryMorningNowThough
#IJustNeedToRememberToWarmUpAndDownForShoots
#LikeIAmAnAthleteOrSomething
#IUsedToStretchALotButThenIJoinedTheGym
#ButIQuitTheOtherWeekAsIOnlyLikedWorkingOutToTheQuizShowPointless
#AndTheyChangedTheChannelToStrictlyComeDancingStuffInstead
#IThoughtThatWasOnlyASaturdayThingButObviouslyNot
#YouWouldThinkILikeThatBecauseItIsDancingAndILikeDancingButILikePointless
#SpoiledMuch
#IKeepSayingIWillGoForARunAndThatHasNotHappenedYet
#IFeelTooAwkwardRunningInPublic
#WhichIsWhyIStoppedDoingItYearsAgo
#WhenIUsedToMakeMyselfRunForAnHourAndHatedEveryMinuteOfIt
#WellIMustHaveLikedAtLeastOneMinuteOfIt
#ProbablyWhenIWasOnTheHomeStretch
#SoMoreStretchingAtHome
#ISayStretching
#IMeanMeDoingMyOwnInterpretationOfYoga
#AThingAboutThePhoto
#IDoNotPhotoshopMyPicturesMuch
#ButILookLikeICleanedTheFloorWithMyTrousersBeforeIPutThemOn
#ThoughIPutThemOnAndDidTheShootWhereIMovedAboutALot
#INeedToRememberToVacuumTheFloorBeforeShoots
#VacuumTheFloorAndStretchMore
#GotIt

I Was Going To Take A Picture Of My Knotted Hair, But Then I Decided To Brush It And I Got A Hairball So I Thought I’d Photograph Myself With It…

#ItWasHardToBalanceHairOnMyFace
#IDidntThinkItWouldBe
#AndMyHeadCouldOnlyBeTippedBack
#AllTheNoseHair
#ITookTooManyPictures
#IAmReallyTryingToGetBetterWithMyEditing
#ButItsDifficultWhenITakeTooMany
#ThisWasTheBestOfABadBunch
#IAmWritingThisBeforeIHaveEvenChosenOne
#SoThatsHowBadItIs
#TheOneIChooseWillBeTheBestOfABadBunch
#WhyBotherPostingOneThen
#IWillNotAdmitDefeat
#PhotographicDefeat
#LetsNotTalkAboutTheBagOfMyHairThatIHave
#ThatsCodeForLetsTalkAboutIt
#WhenIWashMyHairLoadsFallsOutSoIUsedToPhotographItOnTheWall
#ThenIStartedToKeepIt
#IThoughtItWouldStopTheDrainGettingBlocked
#ButThisMorningIPulledAMASSIVEPileOfHairFromTheDrainAfterTheWaterWasSlowToDrain (#SpellCheckCantEvenBeBotheredToSayThatThatOneIsWrong
#TheRestHaveRedSquigglesUnderThemExceptTwoHashtagsAgo)
#IAmSureSomeOfTheHairIsTiagosButItCantBeAllOfIt
#LetsAlsoNotTalkAboutMyCreasedShirt
#ThatsCodeForLetsDefinitelyNotTalkAboutIt
#TiagosBoredOfWaitingForMeToChooseAPicture
#HeWantsToWatchNarcos
#IHaveNarrowedItDownToTwenty
#OkayIChooseThisOneAsTheHairLooksABitLikeAnEyebrowAndIWantToGetOnWithMyLifeAndWatchNarcos
#IgnoreEverythingIveWrittenAsIChoseASecondOneTooBecauseILikeItFallingDownMyFace

His Hairy Legs, My Hairy But Less So Legs

#ThisPhotoIsBasedOnMeAndTiagoBeingSatInBed

#AndMeSeeingIfHeCouldProtectMyModestyWithHisLegs

#ITookAPhotoOnMyPhoneWhichWasWayBetterThanISeemedToManageToCreateWithMyProperKit

#ProperKitInQuotesBecauseItSoundsSoLame

#SoITriedOutOtherWaysOfSittingInOrBetweenHisLegs

#SoundsSoDodgy

#AndThisOneWon

#AnIntenseLook

#SomeMessyHair

#HisHairyLegs

#MyHairyButLessSoLegs

#YeahThoseTwoHashtagsCanBeTheTitle

#Sorted

#IAmDefinitelyJealousThatMenCanHaveSuchHairyLegsAndNoOneBatsAnEyelid

#WellMaybeSomePeopleDo

#IUnderstandMenShavingTheirLegsForSportsButOtherwiseWhyWouldYouBother

#PeopleHaveTheirOwnReasonsAndTheyCanDoWhatTheyWant

#IDoNotMeanToJudge

#IAmJustSayingIfIWasAGuyAndTheHairOnMyBodyDidNotHoldMeBackInSports

#ThenIWouldJustNotBotherWithGrooming

#ISayThatAndIAmImaginingMyselfBeingAGuyWhoSpendsMoreTimeGroomingHisBodyThanIDoAsAWoman

#IImagineIWouldDoSomeTrimming

#ImagineMeWithAMassiveBeardThough

#AlsoJealousIWillNeverHaveABeardInMyLifetime

#UnlessITakeSomeHormones

#ButPeopleAreMean

#ThatRemindsMeOfTheTimeIWentRoundLondonWithABobblyBeardForAVideoForSomeone

#ItWasFunny

My Mum Bought Me A Hat When She Was On Holiday

#IWantedToBuyAHatSoItSavedMeTheHassle

#ThoughIWasThinkingMoreOfAThickKnittedNavyColouredHatOrSomething

#ButThisIsTheKindOfHatIWantToWear

#ButWouldNotBuyForMyself

#ButIfMyMumBuysItForMeWhenIAm31ThenItIsOkay

#TheOtherDayIWatchedAll4EpisodesOfQueerEyeInJapanAndIWasThinkingIShouldStartDressingMoreBoldlyAgain

#ButTheRealityIsIJustWantToBeDressedAllInBluesAndRemainAsInvisibleAsPossible

#WhichMightSeemOddConsideringTheKindOfWorkIMake

#WhichIsMainlyPhotographingAndVideoingMyself

#ButIGuessIDoNotWantToBeCompletelyInvisible

#WhichIsPerhapsOneOfTheReasonsWhyIMakeWorkAboutMyself

#AsItIsTherapeuticForMe

#ToBecomeMoreComfortableWithMyAppearance

#AndNowWithTheseRamblingHashtagsIAmBecomingMoreComfortableWithMyThoughtsAndWords

#AndIWantToBeVisibleOnSomeLevel

#ButOnOtherLevelsIWantToBeInvisible

#LikeWalkingDownTheStreet

#IAmNotSayingIAmACelebThankWhateverAbove

#ButIMeanJustWalkingDownTheStreetWithoutAnyStrangeLooksOrBeingNoticedAtAllForAnyReasonWhetherItBeGoodOrBad

#IDoNotMindChattingWithRandomPeopleButSometimesIJustWantToBeInMyOwnLittleWorld

#AndWalkAlongWithoutHavingToDealWithThingsLikeZebraCrossingsAndOtherAwkwardInteractions

#ButAnywaysIHaveNotWornThisHatOutYet

#AndIRealiseThatTheHatIsAnAnimalHatWhichIsWhatIMainlyWearInMyDanceVideos

#AndIWearAHatInMyDanceVideosBecauseIDoNotLikeHowILookInHats

#AndIWasBulliedForAHatIHadInFirstSchool

#SoItIsMyWayOfTryingToOvercomeMyPastExperiencesOfHatsWhichSoundsFunnyButIsTrue

#ButIHaveOnlyReallyWornHatsLatelyInMyLivingRoom

#SoIWillMakeAnEffortToWearItOutOnTheNextReallyColdDayAsIDoNotWantColdEarsOrAHeadache

#IForgotToMentionWhatARidiculousSizeThosePomPomsAre

#MyMumSaidICanCutThemOffButIFeelBad

Princess Diana's Eyes

#ICalledMyNanRecently
#AndSheSaidSomeGuyDoingWorkInHerHouseHadSeenAPictureOfMe
#AndHeJustSaid
#PrincessDianasEyes
#AndThenWalkedAwayFromIt
#IUsedToGetToldThatILookedLikeHerALotWhenIWasYounger
#MaybeItIsBecauseIHadShortHair
#WorkingBehindACounterInRetailPeopleWouldSayIt
#PeopleCameUpToMeInTheStreetTenYearsAgoInAmericaToTellMe
#IOnceAppliedToDoAResidencyInACastleAndISaidIWouldPretendToBePrincessDianaForTwoWeeks
#IDidNotGetIt
#QuelleSurprise
#ITriedToTakeAPictureForThisTitleWhenMyNanToldMeButIWasJustTakingPicturesOfMyEyesAndItWasBoring
#ISearchedForAnImageOfHerThisMorningAndSawThatYesterdayWasTheAnniversaryOfHerDeath
#IThoughtIBetterWearSomethingThatICouldSlightlyImagineHerWearing
#SoIWentTheWeddingSectionOfMyWardrobe
#IDoNotLikeDressingUpForWeddings
#MyIdeaOfDressingUpIsSomeoneElsesIdeaOfHavingACasualDay
#ButYeahIDefinitelyDoNotLookLikeHerAnymore
#IThinkTheHairIsABigPartOfIt
#MineIsTooLongNow
#IAmOftenTuckingItIntoMyTopOrWhateverIfIForgetAHairBobble
#ButHereIAmTuckingItInToMyDressToTryToGetShorterHair
#ItIsNotAStatementAboutArmpitHair
#IHaveNotWornThisDressInAWhileAtWeddingsBecauseOfItShowingMyArmpits
#IThinkDianaWouldHaveNeverLetSomeoneTakeHerPhotoIfSheHadGreasyHairAndNeededToWashIt
#SheAlsoSmiledMoreInPicturesAndWoreMakeupAndIDoubtThatSheWorePlasticWatches
#IWouldHaveTakenAPictureWithMyHandOnMyChinButMyLastPhotoIsLikeThat
#SoARoyalesqueHandClaspWhilstConcealingMyCameraRemoteSeemedLikeAGoodOption
#NotSureIfHandClaspingIsTheRightTermButISearchEnginedItAndItWillDo

Periods In The Time Of Tech

#IWasGoingForATitleWithLoveInTheTimeOfCholeraVibes

#ITriedToFindSomethingElseInsteadOfTechButThatCameToMindFirstAndIThinkItWorks

#ButThereProbablyIsSomethingBetterThatFits

#IJustMeantThatSurelySomeoneShouldHaveJustInventedSomethingThatMeansYouGoToTheBathroomAndYouPressAButtonAndYourPeriodIsDoneForTheMonth

#NoneOfThisWeekLongRubbish

#Anyways

#ThisImageIsAReenactmentOfMeHuggingThePillowsThisMorningBecauseOfMyCramps

#IAmWorkingMyWayThroughAPotOfChamomileTeaNowAsIForgotThatThatTendsToHelpThoughIDoNotThinkItIsDoingTheJobToday

#Great

#YouWouldHaveThoughtThatAfterHavingPeriodsForHalfMyLifeNowThatTheyWouldGetEasier

#ButIThinkTheyAreGettingWorse

#Yay

#TheMenopauseDoesNotSoundLikeFunEitherThough

#PrettySureIWroteThatInAHashtagRecently

#EvidentlyINeedToGetMoreThoughts

#GoingThroughThePhotosFromThisShootTheRemoteWasInMostOfThem

#TodayIWasTooImpatientForTheTwoSecondSetting

#ThatIsASignOfTheTimes

#PeriodsInTheTimeOfIAmTooImpatientToWaitTwoSeconds

#IWroteTwoImpatient

#PeriodsInTheTimeOfTwoImpatience

#IJustShowedThisToTiagoAndHeSaidILookLikeAnIsland

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