In 2015 after starting Neblina I started to keep a diary about anything that made me anxious. I would stop to write in the street, on the London Underground, in my room, wherever a moment occurred so that I wouldn't forget it. After a little while I started to feel overwhelmed by things, particularly by those that I had previously not acknowledged.
I decided that I needed help. I called up the number for my borough's mental health services. I explained what was happening and that I had started to realise that I felt quite angry towards other people (because once I had started to improve my self-esteem I realised that I had a lot of anxiety underneath it, and my self-esteem had been caused by other people). They decided that a 2 day anger management workshop would be the best thing. I was a bit confused as it wasn't what I needed but I went along thinking that I was becoming a monster. Listening to the stories of others it was obvious that I did not really have an anger issue, but they said to call them back up once I had attended.
I called them, they said that counselling was fully booked for three months so would I be up for trying CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Three months was a long time to wait for no help so off I went. I had been to counselling before on two previous occasions. The first during my BTEC at college after I kept crying in class and my teacher recommended me. I went for a while but stopped going after they wanted to put me on medication and then I had to call the office to get more help but at the time I was terrified of calling people that I didn't know. The second during my BA, I think she got annoyed going in circles with me struggling with the meaning of life so she tried to put me on medication. Then she left or was away for a bit, and I was given a male counsellor who I didn't like so I stopped going. I tried again to get counselling whilst on my MA but the only day they could do was on one of my work days.
On this occasion with the CBT I had a man who gave me leaflets about low self-esteem. I felt offended as I had been working so hard on my self-esteem and I thought it was good, but after reading the leaflet I realised that it wasn't. I attended a few sessions, but felt like I wanted to treat each session like a counselling session and not the CBT ones that they were. So I left and was put on the list for counselling. By the time they called I was obsessively drawing onto Neblina which had relaxed me quite a bit, so I felt like I didn't need counselling.